In October of 2023, as I was prepping for both my fall mini sessions and the final wedding of the season I was feeling exhausted. Yet that was the norm with my crazy lifestyle. The calendar was bursting at the seams. The days consisted of dragging myself out of bed, ensuring the humans I am raising were where they needed to be, had nourishment, and as much of me as they could scrape time for. (GROSS to actually write that.)
In fact, the ONLY picture I can find of myself is from a late night hockey pick up… looking exhausted. Depressed. And full of self doubt. I hid it as well as I could for as long as I could. Life was still happening. The last photo I’ll ever have with my Grandpa Ray + I THANK GOD every day I tucked away the pain for that night if for nothing else, for that One Picture.
None the less, the Refinery was soaring, the photography was dwindling, by design, in the midst of fall. You know. ALLLL the things right.
I remember a vivid conversation with an acquaintance at the wedding I was shooting, about health in general and some issues she was recently suffering through. That conversation kept coming back to me as I crawled into bed that night. I turned my old lady heating pad on high, shot back 4 Tylenol, and refilled my 50-gallon Stanley. I decided to just lay there and listen to my body. I had actually NEVER DONE THAT.
That’s when I noticed it.
This intense pain on the left side of my body.
I couldn’t 100% associate it with anything so just started paying attention to it.
Within the next couple days, I noticed the pains were CONSISTENT in a 24-hour period and at times, climbing upwards on the scale of pain. Naturally, my first instinct is to make sure kidney function is as it should be. After all, it was recently the 4-year anniversary of my donation. As the weeks grew longer, the symptoms intensified. The pain grew stronger, as my body grew weaker. For the first time in the history of EVER I was forced to cancel and refund my 25 mini sessions the week of our shoots. So, not only was it painful, but it was a financial blow. I had no other options.
No other options but to stop everything I was doing. And sit. With me, myself, and no, no Irene.
The routine started to skinny down as my health continued to deplete. I was in bed longer. At less football + hockey games. Dosed up on Tylenol to keep the business open and tossed back often with the ever loved Tequilla. Before I realized it I was strictly working, sleeping. That was it. For nearly 18 months.
Around the fourth blood draw, we had learned only tidbits more with nothing concrete. Yet again no answers for the current state of crumbling I was in. Fast forward through the next 7+ months of ultrasounds, breast exams, gastric emptying, colonoscopy, endoscopy, + endless blood draws. You name it, we tested it. Still, nothing. Nothing accept more question marks and new symptoms appearing. Let me tell you, when you are awaiting AIDS + CANCER results it forces you into some deep, dark corners that I promise you, NOBODY wants to be in. Meanwhile, life is still happening.
Finally, I just sort of paused it all.
I was trying so hard to be thankful that there truly was nothing “serious” going on with my health, yet I was getting no answers. This is a whole ‘nother level of struggle. While others around me are receiving their death sentence and saying good-bye to loved ones, I am getting nearly perfect results but there I sat sobbing because of the physical pain I was experiencing. Now add self-loathing, guilt, and the feeling of paranoia a top the list of ailments. Looking back I don’t even know how I did it. The constant pain. Too many bruises to keep track of. Down 40 pounds and living off Tylenol, saltines, + h20.
There I was. Taking on 3-8 photoshoots a week, running a cocktail bar + kitchen, not to mention maintaining 5600 sq. feet of finished Airbnb/event spaces. BUT ALSO… designing our newest space with hopes to launch a 2000 sq. foot Rooftop + Airbnb by May of 2024.
HOLY. SHIT. BALLS.
Yep. I said it.
No wonder I got sick.
Really. Really sick.
But you know what?
It changed my life. In the most chaotic way possible. And I am here for it… however I am not here to talk about all that today, we will get to that later. You may be wondering what all of that has to do with the social post about “emotional labor”? For me… while ALLLLL of that was PHYSICALLY happening in the external world. There was also ALLLLL the things happening on the EMOTIONAL level that I was not accounting for, and let me tell you, It wreaked havoc.
if you don’t know, now you know…Ok. Guess that is it for the day. Peace, Love, + Joy y’all!
. . .and remember it is so cool to be kind.
